Brave women

Recently, I have been thinking about the times I was in search of answers and someone who could help me understand.  The need to have adult conversations about anything from life, faith, kids, my husband and other big topics sometimes becomes pressing.  It is more difficult when your voice is small and conversation is not easy with others, but allowing others into my life  is so important.  It is hard for me to be vulnerable around others even though it is easy for me to cry.  Being in a book club, support group, and even going out with friends has allowed me to see we are not all so different in experiences.  It has shown me to see how others react to those experiences and even learn from them too. 

...

In January a woman celebrated 40 years of sobriety with a group of her peers.  A community of people who share an experience with alcohol addiction.  Without joining the group, maybe her long lived life would not be the same and the last 40 years would be very different.  However, she knew that she could not do it on her own and that she needed the support of others.   So, one day, she joined a group of strangers, and stood up in front of them and admitted her weakness for alcohol.   She asked for support, advice and help.  I cannot even imagine the strength it took to do that.

For 40 years, she has been a part of a family much bigger than herself.  With these people, she can share, build friendships, celebrate, and when times become difficult, she can lean on.  She was allowed and encouraged to show her weakness and example of how to stay sober.  By doing so, she came together with people that supported and upheld her.   Her time left on this earth is short, but that night she celebrated being sober.  She celebrated her brave decision to reveal her weakness that helped to pave the way to sobriety.

...

The other day, there was a bold advertisement in a social media platform for adult conversation and interaction.  When I read it, I instantly panicked.  Not for me, but for the young lady who posted it.  I was afraid that her plea for community would be looked upon as weakness and youthful recklessness.   And then I was afraid for her socially.  I assume most people think like I do, which I know is wrong, but it still floods my brain with the first response.  Being an introvert, I wanted her to press the erase button, take it back, say it was a joke.  But I knew in my heart it wasn't. 

No, it's not a joke to crave human interaction.  It's a mire of emotions when people respond and even when they don't respond to such questions.  Allowing others to hold my emotions hostage with their acceptance or rejection of my friendship and company has led to many dark days.

Once I finished my own mild panic attack, I thought about it some more.  All of the angst and fear suddenly turned to admiration.  That ability to just put it out there for others to see and act on a need so quickly,  -  is brave!  

Brave to show her need! 

Brave for being honest and taking off the mask! 

Brave for accepting what comes from it!

I wish I was that brave.

God has given this young lady a gift.  She is able to speak her mind and accept the answers.  She may not like them or be disappointed if nothing comes from the question, but she is at least willing to see if anyone else has that same need.  

I have thought about both scenarios several times of the last couple of weeks.   I thought of those who would judge youth, enthusiasm, and need for community as a weakness, even though they might be in the same situation.  I thought of those in the pews around me with many, many years of life experiences to share but have limited means to socialize.   I thought of my own journey, when it was dark and difficult and I was unable to speak up.  I thought of the woman in the support group who is celebrating 40 years of commitment and how different her life might be if she had not found a group of people  to share with. 

A part of the sermon a couple of weeks ago was about Jesus' community and when He was baptized, even though He did not need to be.  He was without sin, but He chose to be baptized for OUR sins.  He was contrite for our sins - then and now.   He knew that we would be affected by sin and would not repent for hateful thoughts and words that are said, for things we have done and for those we have left undone. 

He didn't wait for us to be perfect before He forgave us.  He knew we wouldn't be perfect, couldn't be perfect.  We are by nature sinful and unclean.  He loved us while we were yet sinners and still laid down His own life for us.  This similar reflection of love is mirrored the support group of my friend.  That group of people has loved her and supported her even when though she was broken and weak, year after year.  She could be herself in the group and not be judged because they were all in the same situation.   I feel like we should have more of these types of communities, where we can feel safe and vulnerable with each other and not have to hide or seek out others to join us.  A place where we are all sinners and are not judged for our sins, but rather raise each other up, pray for each other and support on another in life.

I will admit that there was a time or two that morning that the thoughts that filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks were of God's own selflessness, especially when we sang, What is this Bread?  The words in this hymn are so raw but so beautiful.

My sin has been covered with Jesus' blood.  He died for me.  He was contrite for me.  His sins were forgiven for me.  This is so very beautiful.  This is worth sharing in my community.

Lord, please help my timid heart to be more open.  You are the perfect example from which I can draw of strength and community sending your own disciples out to be fishers of men.  You ask us to tell others of your Glory and to come to you with all things.  Lord open my heart and my mouth so that I may do this.  Amen.

Alone

The other morning was beautiful.  Not the typical, blue sky, fluffy white clouds, bright sunshine kind of beauty.  But the slow, easy kind of beautiful.  The cool air was hanging heavy on the ground and the sun struggled to shine through it.  The dew was thick on the plants and they were slowly waking up too.   It was the best kind of morning to spend on my porch swing with a blanket on my lap and coffee in hand.  

The heaviness of the dew dragging the leaves down reminds me of how easily I allow Satan to bring me down and fall into his traps.  Life is hard and Satan tricks me into thinking it is TOO hard.  But it really isn’t.  God is here.  In this space, in my life, in my heart.  His strength is my strength.  His love is my love.  His spirit is my hope. His grace is sufficient.

I am never alone.  I have the Holy Spirit; gifted to me in my baptism.  I have the Shepherd  watching over me; tenderly and purposefully guiding my path.  I have the Word to look upon and soak into my soul every time I need it.

I have all these resources at my fingertips and in my heart, and yet sometimes, I feel completely alone. I can be surrounded by people and yet still feel like no one cares; like no one even notices me.  A wallflower, wilting in plain sight.

I understand that part of this is my own fault, but it doesn’t lessen the pain.  I have a quiet disposition and small talk is quite difficult.  It’s also very difficult for me to allow others in to my heart.  Wounded from past iniquities, I guard myself at a very high cost.   The cost of friendship and the vulnerability to be loved.

Vulnerability is my ultimate nemesis.  To allow someone to get close to me and let my guard down feels dangerous.  Not the exciting kind of dangerous that rushes throughout your body; but the paralyzing dangerous that precedes fear and hurt.  I realize how pessimistic and negative that sounds, and it's important to me that you also know that's not how I normally think.  However, I have been scorched by vulnerability, scalded by naivety and wounded by the truth too many times for not recognizing what it is.  What it was.  Staring me right in the eyes.

I have come to realize, that is one of Satan’s favorite traps for me.  He blinds me with feelings of pity and loneliness.  He deafens me with taunts of inadequacy.   He tempts me with false accusations and lies and I fall for them because it justifies my feelings.  The truth is loud and before me.  I have pushed away my peers and ....

I have to STOP!

I have to go back to the Word and remember the truth.  The real, unshakable truth.  I am not alone. God is with me and for me and has chosen me.  He chose this life for me and sends His Holy spirit daily to guide me along it's path.  And He has put some very special people in life with whom I am able to share life's ups and downs.  I am so grateful for them and for the God who loves me so.

Lord, thank you for your strength so that I might open my heart and share my feelings with others.   Help me to easily discern the dangers from the blessings.  Allow me to see your truth and know that I am not alone.  Amen

Psalm 71 English Standard Version (ESV)

Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Spent

71 In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
    let me never be put to shame!
2 In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
    incline your ear to me, and save me!
3 Be to me a rock of refuge,
    to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.

4 Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man.
5 For you, O Lord, are my hope,
    my trust, O Lord, from my youth.
6 Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;
    you are he who took me from my mother's womb.
My praise is continually of you.

7 I have been as a portent to many,
    but you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
    and with your glory all the day.
9 Do not cast me off in the time of old age;
    forsake me not when my strength is spent.
10 For my enemies speak concerning me;
    those who watch for my life consult together
11 and say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue and seize him,
    for there is none to deliver him.”

12 O God, be not far from me;
    O my God, make haste to help me!
13 May my accusers be put to shame and consumed;
    with scorn and disgrace may they be covered
    who seek my hurt.
14 But I will hope continually
    and will praise you yet more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,
    of your deeds of salvation all the day,
    for their number is past my knowledge.
16 With the mighty deeds of the Lord God I will come;
    I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone.

17 O God, from my youth you have taught me,
    and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
18 So even to old age and gray hairs,
    O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
    your power to all those to come.
19 Your righteousness, O God,
    reaches the high heavens.
You who have done great things,
    O God, who is like you?
20 You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
    will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will bring me up again.
21 You will increase my greatness
    and comfort me again.

22 I will also praise you with the harp
    for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praises to you with the lyre,
    O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy,
    when I sing praises to you;
    my soul also, which you have redeemed.
24 And my tongue will talk of your righteous help all the day long,
for they have been put to shame and disappointed
    who sought to do me hurt.

The Oak Tree

 I can see and feel it coming.  The trees are void of their brightly colored fruit and the grass is littered with pieces and fragments of what once lived generously in the trees.  The daylight hours are quickly decreasing and a raw chill fills the air.  The animals are no longer frolicking and singing in the wilderness.  Instead, they are hurriedly foraging and storing up food for the coming winter.  Men dressed like their surroundings take to the woods and lurk for unsuspecting deer. 

The large oak tree that sits alongside the road is currently barren of green life.  Its branches still reach high into the sky yet somewhat lopsided due to the nearby power lines.  Many a small creature has taken refuge here in its neck and arms.  Its long standing is proven by the enormity of its trunk as I stand close and attempt to embrace it.  The bark is rough alongside my cheek and my arms are full yet not long enough for my outstretched fingers to interlock.

I am in awe of such a gift.  It has indeed weathered many storms and many seasons.  Seasons of drought and attrition; seasons of bitter cold and unbearable heat; insect attacks and suffocating exhaust fumes; but the old tree stands tall and proud.  Every wind storm seems to break a few of the weaker limbs, but the tree is still strong.  Every spring it sprouts new life and green leaves even more generous than the previous year, giving more color every fall to the view outside of my windows.

My own exterior is not as tolerant of such seasons of life, nor is my heart.  God has blessed me with strong emotions that tend to surface often.  I am easily wounded and tend to suffer in silence not willing to expose the rawness of the fresh tear on my soul.  Anxiety and fear drive me to pray frequently but my own stubbornness and pride will not allow me to share with others.  I want to spare others of my hurts and sins and not burden them.  I would rather help someone else with their burdens and pray for them. 

But God doesn’t want us to be alone.  He wants us to have a community to share with, which is why He created Eve for Adam.  And that means we need to share all things, not just the easy things, not just the surface topics.   So it is here, that I will share with you, my heart.   I genuinely want to help others and pray for them.  This is how God made me and I am grateful for this.  I also want to be able to be helped and to ask for help.  To know that it’s ok to open my heart to someone and believe that it won’t be betrayed.    This has not always been easy for me, but I have to start somewhere and why not here, in this place, where my heart is open, and I speak in truth?

Like the mighty oak tree outside my window, God is strong, patient, and providing.   He is the constant that I can go to with all things and He WANTS me to.  In this season of my life, I am praying for many things, but mostly for patience.  I know He has a plan for me, but I really want to know what it is and I am not very patient.   What are you praying for?

 

 

 

Lord,

May I be slow to anger and filled with love.  I need help with patience and I cannot do it on my own.  Please fill my heart with patience that I may wait for Your will to be done.  Please fill my heart with understanding that I know how my words and actions affect others.  Help me to follow the example you have set before me.  Amen

 

 

 

 

The fog that surrounds us

The page before me is blinding.  It’s blank… empty; void of color, of life and emotion.  And yet, it lies before me, waiting for inspiration, feeling and depth.   On most days, such a temptation would be short lived.  I would have a million ideas of how to fill it and my fingers would be furiously reacting to it.  But lately, it remains blank and the ideas are fleeting.  But not because I lack emotion, in fact, it’s the exact opposite.  My emotions have over taken me.  The enormity of them, have left me breathless, burdened and exhausted.

Depression falls over me when I least expect it, like a fog blankets the earth in the cool air of the morning.  It sets low and heavy and with overwhelming density while just around the corner it hovers above the ground with translucent waves of white.   Sometimes depression is just like this fog and it becomes difficult to navigate life because I don’t how to anticipate valleys and peaks. 

Opening my eyes to depression does not mean that I accept it.  It doesn’t mean that I am weaker than others who do not succumb to it.  It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me that  
the daily toils of life weigh me down.   And it doesn’t mean that I cannot handle emotions well because I allow the sadness to escape through tears on my cheek or through angry words directed at passersby.

Depression is a signal to me that it is time to rest; a time to give up the try hard life of perceived perfection and getting it all done.    I am tired, so tired of trying to do it all my way and relentlessly failing while pretending that I have it all under control.   I need to open my heart fully and completely to God and allow His will to be, instead of stubbornly insisting that my own way is better.  My efforts are futile against His.   It is time to surrender and just receive.  Receive love and forgiveness for my weary soul.  I ask for help and He loves me more.  This is the beauty of the lifted fog springing forth and exposing my Savior rising high above me, arms outstretched, emanating love.

When I am depressed, I pray for mercy like a beggar in the street; my empty hands waiting for a morsel of relief.  Sitting heavy in the word and meditating on Him transforms me.  My strength comes from Him.   His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness 2 Corinthians 12:9. 

And I am weak, so weak, and yet He loves me.  He wants me to come to him daily with all that I seek, all that I dream and all that I worry about.  He wants to be the bread that I hunger for and He is.  I just need the fog to clear from my head and remember His love and His promises and give him all of my anxieties. 

Lord, have mercy on me – a poor sinful being.

 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you now that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

 

 

 

 

How do you deal with depression?  What's it like for you?  Do you find it difficult to ask for help?  What's your go-to strategy - food, sleep, exercise, friends?   Share your experiences with me and lets develop a community to lean on when we feel our weakest.

Blessed in the Journey

Imagine a professional basketball stadium filled with 17,000 teenagers and their chaperones, assembled for one purpose, to praise God. It's dark and loud as the chatter of anxious teens wait for the program to start. Suddenly a voice comes alive, louder than the chatter and a spot light shines down on the stage. The program begins and the story of Jesus death and resurrection plays out in front of us. It is breath taking...beautiful...sad… and glorious all in one breath. I am so moved by the Spirit, I cry tears of joy and my heart is bursting with love for my Father who has given up so much to give me eternal life.

This was the scene in the summer of 1989 when I attended the LCMS National Youth Gathering in Denver, Colorado. The theme was Blessed in the Journey and it was the first such journey that I had taken without my parents for more than an over night. Now, here I was, over 1000 miles away from them for 5 days. I was 17, about to enter my senior year of high school, and I thought I already knew it all. But there was so much I didn't know and this trip opened my eyes to the ways of the world and the ways of God.

I don't remember going to church on a regular basis before I started confirmation classes in 7th grade. Every Saturday morning for two years, I would sit with my Pastor and one or two other young ladies and we would study God's word. This was all new to me. I knew a few bible stories, but that was nothing compared to what I learned during those two years. They were indeed a blessing too.

I became more involved with the church and youth group after confirmation. I really enjoyed being with my new found friends. We were a very active youth group that spilled over into Sunday School. We had an excellent teacher who always seemed to challenge me to think outside of the box. I appreciated his teaching style and learned a lot about myself during those years too.

Many years later, I find myself wanting to find a way to reach out to others and share, but my guarded approach has not always been conducive to that. My nature is to be quiet yet inquisitive of others, keeping my personal life just out of their reach. When the fog of life settles upon me though, this is one of my greatest regrets. So one of my repeated prayers has been to find a way to reach out to a bigger community and share. I pray that this blog is just such the medium to accomplish that and I finally have the courage to try.

My journey has not always seemed like a blessing at the time, but I have learned that all things happen according to God's will and timing, not mine. I continue to learn and grow in God's word every day. I am amazed by His forgiving spirit and enduring love. There is still so much I do not know, so my journey continues with it's twists and turns of life.

Always anxious to see the next chapter, I pray you will journey with me, checking in and sharing your experiences and blessings, even if it doesn't seem like a blessing at the time.