Alone

The other morning was beautiful.  Not the typical, blue sky, fluffy white clouds, bright sunshine kind of beauty.  But the slow, easy kind of beautiful.  The cool air was hanging heavy on the ground and the sun struggled to shine through it.  The dew was thick on the plants and they were slowly waking up too.   It was the best kind of morning to spend on my porch swing with a blanket on my lap and coffee in hand.  

The heaviness of the dew dragging the leaves down reminds me of how easily I allow Satan to bring me down and fall into his traps.  Life is hard and Satan tricks me into thinking it is TOO hard.  But it really isn’t.  God is here.  In this space, in my life, in my heart.  His strength is my strength.  His love is my love.  His spirit is my hope. His grace is sufficient.

I am never alone.  I have the Holy Spirit; gifted to me in my baptism.  I have the Shepherd  watching over me; tenderly and purposefully guiding my path.  I have the Word to look upon and soak into my soul every time I need it.

I have all these resources at my fingertips and in my heart, and yet sometimes, I feel completely alone. I can be surrounded by people and yet still feel like no one cares; like no one even notices me.  A wallflower, wilting in plain sight.

I understand that part of this is my own fault, but it doesn’t lessen the pain.  I have a quiet disposition and small talk is quite difficult.  It’s also very difficult for me to allow others in to my heart.  Wounded from past iniquities, I guard myself at a very high cost.   The cost of friendship and the vulnerability to be loved.

Vulnerability is my ultimate nemesis.  To allow someone to get close to me and let my guard down feels dangerous.  Not the exciting kind of dangerous that rushes throughout your body; but the paralyzing dangerous that precedes fear and hurt.  I realize how pessimistic and negative that sounds, and it's important to me that you also know that's not how I normally think.  However, I have been scorched by vulnerability, scalded by naivety and wounded by the truth too many times for not recognizing what it is.  What it was.  Staring me right in the eyes.

I have come to realize, that is one of Satan’s favorite traps for me.  He blinds me with feelings of pity and loneliness.  He deafens me with taunts of inadequacy.   He tempts me with false accusations and lies and I fall for them because it justifies my feelings.  The truth is loud and before me.  I have pushed away my peers and ....

I have to STOP!

I have to go back to the Word and remember the truth.  The real, unshakable truth.  I am not alone. God is with me and for me and has chosen me.  He chose this life for me and sends His Holy spirit daily to guide me along it's path.  And He has put some very special people in life with whom I am able to share life's ups and downs.  I am so grateful for them and for the God who loves me so.

Lord, thank you for your strength so that I might open my heart and share my feelings with others.   Help me to easily discern the dangers from the blessings.  Allow me to see your truth and know that I am not alone.  Amen

Psalm 71 English Standard Version (ESV)

Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Spent

71 In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
    let me never be put to shame!
2 In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
    incline your ear to me, and save me!
3 Be to me a rock of refuge,
    to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.

4 Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man.
5 For you, O Lord, are my hope,
    my trust, O Lord, from my youth.
6 Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;
    you are he who took me from my mother's womb.
My praise is continually of you.

7 I have been as a portent to many,
    but you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
    and with your glory all the day.
9 Do not cast me off in the time of old age;
    forsake me not when my strength is spent.
10 For my enemies speak concerning me;
    those who watch for my life consult together
11 and say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue and seize him,
    for there is none to deliver him.”

12 O God, be not far from me;
    O my God, make haste to help me!
13 May my accusers be put to shame and consumed;
    with scorn and disgrace may they be covered
    who seek my hurt.
14 But I will hope continually
    and will praise you yet more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,
    of your deeds of salvation all the day,
    for their number is past my knowledge.
16 With the mighty deeds of the Lord God I will come;
    I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone.

17 O God, from my youth you have taught me,
    and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
18 So even to old age and gray hairs,
    O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
    your power to all those to come.
19 Your righteousness, O God,
    reaches the high heavens.
You who have done great things,
    O God, who is like you?
20 You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
    will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will bring me up again.
21 You will increase my greatness
    and comfort me again.

22 I will also praise you with the harp
    for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praises to you with the lyre,
    O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy,
    when I sing praises to you;
    my soul also, which you have redeemed.
24 And my tongue will talk of your righteous help all the day long,
for they have been put to shame and disappointed
    who sought to do me hurt.

Because

Dared to do something big in faith, Jesus has called me to share this.

 

As a child, and even now as an adult, the worst answer I ever received to a question is “because”.  “Because” is not an answer.  It’s just something that is said when we don’t want to answer or don’t know the answer.  One could even say it to initiate an argument.   There is no logic behind this non-answer and it usually makes no sense.  It’s just something that is said when we don’t really know what to say.

Does it ever feel like your prayers are answered with this response?  Especially, when they are not answered and you know it’s something that God is so very capable of doing.  So, why does He hold back?  Why doesn’t He give us answers?  What have we done to deserve this lack of response?

I internalize everything, so naturally, a lack of response to me says, I’ve done it wrong and I need to try harder, pray harder, do something different because what I am doing, is not enough or even worse, it’s wrong.   I need to say it a different way.  I need to read the Bible more.  I need to go to church more.  You get the point.

Since I am not one to settle for “because”, I search for the answer.  Unfortunately, I look in the wrong places.  The answer is not anything I can give; it is only something that God can give.  The answer is not in me, it’s in God.    I am a shell without Him and I can do nothing on my own, so why do I think I can figure something out that only God knows?  Well, I guess I gave the answer in the question itself.  Only God knows why I think this way too!

Satan rather enjoys his time spent with me.  He flirts with my self esteem and tells me I am not good enough.  He manipulates my words so that they come out twisted and illogical and I have a hard time explaining.  He detunes my ears so that other’s words sounds more harsh than they are.  He zaps all of my energy so there is none to spare for family, or prayers or even God.

But even as much fun as Satan gets to have, he doesn’t get me.  I am not going to give up on God because He didn’t give up on me, and I have given him many reasons to do just that.  At my baptism, He promised to be with me always and God doesn’t break promises.  He is faithful and that gives me hope.

Sometimes prayers just aren’t answered in the way we want them answered.  There’s a bigger picture that we are not privy to just yet and until it’s all unfolded, we have to pray for patience and endurance to weather the storm.  We have to trust God and allow His will to be sufficient for us, even and including when His will is in direct conflict with our own.   And that my friends, is so very hard.

I have heard, that the ones who give the most encouragement, do so, because they too need encouraging. ..

So it seems I am here again, steeped in depression; surrounded by a darkness that chills my soul; unable to put into words the depths of sadness that tears at my heart.   I have struggled for quite a while with depression and I tell my friends and family that I am ok because I don’t want them to worry and I feel I have spared them by doing this.  But I don’t really think I am fooling anyone.  I pray relentlessly to get out of this pit that has darkened my spirit and yet relief is just out of my reach.  My soul aches for relief.  I know it can be given, but why am I not spared?  Are my sins any worse than others?  Why do some get relief and others do not?  What have I done?   Why am I being punished?  Why must I continue to suffer?

 And the timing of it all is so annoying.  This should be a time of celebration of the birth of our Savior, and I can do nothing but feel sadness.  I cannot get over myself and I feel selfish, agitated and angry.

But there is hope and there is grace and I can bathe in these things until relief is found.  Grace covers those bad feelings and questions that I throw at God accusing Him of not loving me enough.  He does love me enough.  He loves more than I could ever qualify.  He gave His son’s life for mine!  How could I ever question that?  And, I always have hope for relief of this burden because it will not always be this way.  One day, there will be no sadness or pain and I will not even remember these feelings.

 Until then, I will continue to pray.  Lord, please break up this darkness so that I may see the light again.  Pour out you love on me so that I may feel your grace.  Fill me with the Holy Spirit and guide me toward the truth.  Place those in my life that will encourage and counsel me back to You and Your light.  Help me to accept your will Lord.  Fill me with peace.

 

No situation is more hopeless than your Savior is graceful.  Ann Voskamp

 

Psalm 130

¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
²     Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
    to my cry for mercy.

³ If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
    Lord, who could stand?
⁴ But with you there is forgiveness,
    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

⁵ I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in his word I put my hope.
⁶ I wait for the Lord
    more than watchmen wait for the morning,
    more than watchmen wait for the morning.

⁷ Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
    for with the Lord is unfailing love
    and with him is full redemption.
⁸ He himself will redeem Israel
    from all their sins.

Do not be silent, pray

Rest in Him when you are weak and weary

Call to Him when you need grace.

Find Him in the day so dreary

You are barely able to keep the pace.

He is there, listening and waiting

Ears wide open, His heart is full.

His arms extended, anticipating

The hearts desires that push and pull

Tell Him your heart song and your worry

Then leave it with Him, He has a plan.

No need to fret or panic in fury

Just rest, receive and listen, little lamb.

Your shepherd is near and hears your pleas

Do not be silent, and do not give in. 

Whether you sit or stand or fall to your knees

Allow His forgiveness to overpower sin.

  

 photo courtesy of http://www.brightok.net

You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.  Psalm 10:17


I have many friends struggling with something today.  My heart aches for them and I pray they find peace soon, but until then, I pray with them and for them sending them warm thoughts and hugs.

The fog that surrounds us

The page before me is blinding.  It’s blank… empty; void of color, of life and emotion.  And yet, it lies before me, waiting for inspiration, feeling and depth.   On most days, such a temptation would be short lived.  I would have a million ideas of how to fill it and my fingers would be furiously reacting to it.  But lately, it remains blank and the ideas are fleeting.  But not because I lack emotion, in fact, it’s the exact opposite.  My emotions have over taken me.  The enormity of them, have left me breathless, burdened and exhausted.

Depression falls over me when I least expect it, like a fog blankets the earth in the cool air of the morning.  It sets low and heavy and with overwhelming density while just around the corner it hovers above the ground with translucent waves of white.   Sometimes depression is just like this fog and it becomes difficult to navigate life because I don’t how to anticipate valleys and peaks. 

Opening my eyes to depression does not mean that I accept it.  It doesn’t mean that I am weaker than others who do not succumb to it.  It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me that  
the daily toils of life weigh me down.   And it doesn’t mean that I cannot handle emotions well because I allow the sadness to escape through tears on my cheek or through angry words directed at passersby.

Depression is a signal to me that it is time to rest; a time to give up the try hard life of perceived perfection and getting it all done.    I am tired, so tired of trying to do it all my way and relentlessly failing while pretending that I have it all under control.   I need to open my heart fully and completely to God and allow His will to be, instead of stubbornly insisting that my own way is better.  My efforts are futile against His.   It is time to surrender and just receive.  Receive love and forgiveness for my weary soul.  I ask for help and He loves me more.  This is the beauty of the lifted fog springing forth and exposing my Savior rising high above me, arms outstretched, emanating love.

When I am depressed, I pray for mercy like a beggar in the street; my empty hands waiting for a morsel of relief.  Sitting heavy in the word and meditating on Him transforms me.  My strength comes from Him.   His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness 2 Corinthians 12:9. 

And I am weak, so weak, and yet He loves me.  He wants me to come to him daily with all that I seek, all that I dream and all that I worry about.  He wants to be the bread that I hunger for and He is.  I just need the fog to clear from my head and remember His love and His promises and give him all of my anxieties. 

Lord, have mercy on me – a poor sinful being.

 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you now that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

 

 

 

 

How do you deal with depression?  What's it like for you?  Do you find it difficult to ask for help?  What's your go-to strategy - food, sleep, exercise, friends?   Share your experiences with me and lets develop a community to lean on when we feel our weakest.