The city

I am a small town, country girl.  I love being outside, sitting on my porch swing or walking in the fresh air, enjoying nature.  It is here that I can find quiet and simplicity.  It's where I can sort out the difficult things and reflect on my journey.

A recent trip to New York made me realize just how much I love those things.  While I did a fair share of walking outdoors, it wasn't really quiet. At a minimum, it wasn't the kind of noise that I am familiar with.  There were no birds singing, frogs croaking or crickets chirping.  Instead, there was a constant stream of cars, trucks and busses humming in the background of honking horns, jackhammers, and sirens.  Construction work littered every block it seemed.  Solicitors flooded the sidewalks distributing pamphlets touting the city's tourism.  Pedestrians walked furiously amongst the vehicles to the safety of the sidewalks. 

 

The landscape was also quite different than what I am used to.  Sure, there were small parks fit between buildings here and there, however, most everything was steel or concrete or limestone.  Row upon row of large skyscrapers rose high above the city.  Bright yellow taxis buzzed quickly down the city streets, barely halting for red lights and stopping busses.  An underground network of subways funneled people about the city.  And of course, there were trains, boats and ships fluid in their movement of goods as well as people.  Large stacks of train cars slept near loading docs along the piers of the Hudson River.  Some of them were adorned with graffiti, while others escaped the senseless tagging momentarily.

 

Let's not forget the people.  They were every shape, size, color and ethnicity but they all had one thing in common; their expressions.  Hard.  Brisk.  They were not cheerily taking in the moments and smiling, acknowledging their neighbors.  They were instead, hurriedly walking, stoic in gesture and tuned into their music supplied by their devices, blocking out the noise of the city.  It became obvious that time was essential and even the noise would slow them down.

 

The last day of our trip, we went to the 9/11 memorial.  It was cool and the sky was bright blue with puffy white clouds.  We stood amongst all of the people, waiting for the line to move forward.  There was an older couple behind us.  The wife was in a wheel chair and the husband was careful to help her get to her destination.  It was here, that I heard him say something so simple and yet, so profound.  He was chatting with her about the multitude of people and I heard him say, "You know what is amazing?  God loves all of these people.  All of them.  He does.  He really does.  Isn't that amazing?"

 

It IS amazing!  Here in THIS crowded city, filled with people who were scarred from hate, God is present.  God is abounding in love and continues to find ways to show us.  From the ashes, He has made it possible for people to remember and celebrate life in this beautiful memorial garden.  It is peaceful here.  The rush of the water falling over the walls into the footprints of the buildings, drowns out the noise of the surrounding city.  The mist slowly rises above the reflection pool; mixing with tears of sorrow that flow gently from those who remember and wait to be reunited with their loved ones. 

 

Trees and green grass surround the pools and serve as reminders that life is present in this place.  Growth is possible again.  Beauty can come from tragedy. 

 

Eternal life with our Savior in heaven will be ours one day.  Until then, we can rest assured that God loves us and waits for us to join Him.

 

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whomever believes in Him, should not perish, but have eternal life.   John 3:16

     

How does God continue to amaze you?  Please share your thoughts in the comments.
      

That mom

Yes, I am that mom.  The mom who holds up the car line on the second day of school because my youngest is having a meltdown.  The mom who sends her weeping daughter into school to face the day without me.  The mom who escapes before her own meltdown.    The same mom who carries the guilt all day for leaving my baby that way.

 

Yes, I am that mom.  The mom who gets frustrated because book bags and dirty socks litter the living room.  “IF you don’t pick up this stuff now, I am throwing it all away!!”  The mom whose exasperation is ridiculous.  “Why does it take 20 minutes to eat a pop tart?!??”  The mom whose schedule seems to be important to only her.  “Hurry up, I am going to be late!”  The mom who wants to grow strong women who question things that don’t make sense. “Don’t argue with me, just do what I say!”

 

Yes, I am that mom.  The mom who loves to snuggle with arms and legs intertwined.  The same mom who needs the children to “just go outside for a bit while I breathe”.   The mom who likes to have little girl help with dinner.  The same mom who would rather do it herself so that it is done quickly and with less mess.   The mom who loves the thought of going shopping but actually dreads the act of dragging them from store to store while they argue over who got more.

 

Yes, I am that mom.  The mom who encourages them to take their cares to Jesus.  The same mom who wants to know what those cares are so that I can “fix them”.  The mom who sends them to a Christian school to learn about their Savior.  The same mom who wants to be the one to save them from all bad and hurtful things.  The mom who teaches them how to pray.  The same mom who has daily struggles with the same thing.

 

Whatever mom I am, I am their mom.  God put us together for a reason and we fit perfectly.  I trust that God is growing me into the mom I need to be for these beautiful creatures and that the timing is right for all things according to His will.  I don’t always agree with His timing, but that’s just my own growing that needs to occur and my sinful nature getting in the way. 

 

I am blessed to be called their momma and there is absolutely no contradiction there!

 

 

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

 

 

 

Do you have the same contradictions in your home?  Please share them below in the comments.  I would love to hear from you!

Growing Pains

The sun is warm, the air cool.  The sky is filled with fluffy white clouds.  My heart is full as I watch the sweet children play games in the soft, green grass.  I sit and watch a while, smiling inside and out thinking that all days should be so beautiful.

Unfortunately, not all days are.  Last night was a tough one for my daughter.  Her first “growing pain” of having to choose between activities because there are not enough hours in the day or days in the week to do all that she wants to do.  She was forced  to pick only one and she was heart broken.  Panic filled her breath and tears filled her eyes.

Trying to console her, I suggested thinking on it for a day and not making a quick decision.  I think she just wanted to get it over with though and NOT think on it at all; not think about the fun she had, the progress she made, the friendships she grew.  She blurted her choice out hastily and retreated to her room, still obviously upset.

 

Photo courtesy of www.coolpicturegallery.com

 

I hated that she was placed in that spot, but it was out of my hands.   I needed her to make the decision instead of me making it for her and choosing incorrectly.  The schedules were set for both activities and they conflicted with each other.  I am sure this is the first of many such tough decisions she will face but I feel confident that she is growing equipped with the right tools to make them.

At bedtime, I prayed with her.  She was still a bit sad.  I said my own prayer while she recited hers. 

Lord, continue to grow this child in Your grace.  Guide her with the Spirit that she may come to You with concerns and worries and leave them at Your feet.   Help her to grow in confidence to make good decisions and steer her toward Your will and Your plan which was designed before she was even born. Spare her tender heart of pain from this decision.  And Lord, help me to allow her to grow up as well.  It’s hard to let go as I watch her beauty and talents flourish.  And it’s selfish of me to keep her wrapped in my arms, knowing that she is only going to leave the nest one day to become a lovely woman.  Lord, please grow us up together.  Amen.

 

Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart for my holy purpose.  Jeremiah 1:5

 

Have you had a similar situation with your growing child?  Are you ready to allow them to grow up?  Please share your experiences with me in the comments.

Perspective

Struggling with complexities of life, I decided to take a walk one day.  It turned into a walk with God and a true eye opener for me on God’s unending love and grace.

As I was walking, I saw many things: a squirrel, a turkey, a small stream, eggs in a nest on the ground, a crawdad and a deer.  Alone, they were just creatures and water, but it wasn’t until I saw the deer that I put all of it together.  It was then, that my mind heart and mind were opened to the true representation of each object.
 
Starting from my home and walking down the drive way, a squirrel was jumping in the tree above me; causing the recently fallen rain to drop on me like a gentle mist.  It was as though the squirrel was taunting me, tempting me to get angry, but I kept walking and just smiled, shaking my head.
 
At the end of the drive way, I stopped to stretch and I saw a turkey darting across the road. Hurrying to get where she needed, she didn’t pay much attention to traffic or anything else.  I could hear her putting a call to whomever would listen, just like me most mornings, frantic and panicked to get out the  door, yelling at the kids to hurry up and “Why does it take 20 minutes to eat a bowl of cereal!”
 
Down the road a bit, I saw a small stream, tucked so neatly between the trees.  I had no idea it existed before that moment even though I had driven by it at least two times a day, every day.   It was peaceful and clear and trickled quietly, patiently over the rocks along the way, flowing smoothly between the edges of the banks that contained it.  I stopped for a moment to take it in.
 
Traveling a bit further down the road was a nest with 7 eggs. They were too small to be goose eggs, but in an odd location for chickens since the nest was only 2 feet from the road, on the ground, and in plain sight; baking in the warm sun.  Mother bird was no where to be seen and the eggs were in danger of predators.  Perhaps mother bird was somewhere near, watching for danger, but she was missing at the moment and unable to help the unborn birds survive their most vulnerable stage of life.
 
Down the way a bit more, was a large crawdad, walking across the road. It was moving quickly and did not pay any attention to me at all. I stepped hard, right in front of it.  It reared up on it’s back legs and tail and raised it’s claws, but not to attack, only to defend.  It knew that danger was near and this was it's defense. Some thing new, some one new had approached and was too close.
 

A few more steps and off to my left was a deer; a beautiful creature.  She stood so still, so quietly, so patiently; almost like she was holding her breath so she wouldn’t be seen.  I could almost hear her thoughts, “Keep walking and don’t stop.”  She waited until I passed and then I heard her flee to safety, away from me and others that might hurt her.
 
It was at this moment, that I gained a new perspective on things I had seen during my walk.  I continued walking and began praying.  I prayed for all the things I had just witnessed, exposed in their most raw form.

* God give me strength to resist temptation and grant me a clear conscience; one not clouded by other’s input and Satan’s mockery, much like the squirrel attempted.  

* The turkey and the crawdad brought me to pray for observation of those things that I don’t always see, to become more visible; whether it’s danger or something beautiful and worthwhile. 

* I prayed for patience, peace and tranquility in my life, like that shown in the small stream.   Lord, lead me by the Spirit and stay my thoughts within the bounds of your will. 

* The eggs reminded me to pray for good health and safety my family and should it happen, allow me the strength to help them through disease, danger, and bad decision making.  

* Lastly, I prayed for people to come into my life, that I would not allow fear to penetrate new relationships.  Bring others in to my circle of trust, that they would know me, as me, and not the woman I portray on the outside.   This was not a new prayer though, I often feel like the deer hiding in plain sight, retreating as quickly as possible when no one is looking.

The deer also opened my eyes and allowed me to see that I am a child of God, worthy of knowing, of loving and caring.  God does not want His people to be lonely, which is why He created a companion for Adam.  I am not meant to sit in my comfortable clothes, on my cushy couch, writing these things for only myself.  So instead, I share them with you and hope that you too, can find comfort in God’s love and unending grace.

Have you had such an experience and gained new perspective?  Please share it with me in the comments below.  I would love to share your walk!

Blessed in the Journey

Imagine a professional basketball stadium filled with 17,000 teenagers and their chaperones, assembled for one purpose, to praise God. It's dark and loud as the chatter of anxious teens wait for the program to start. Suddenly a voice comes alive, louder than the chatter and a spot light shines down on the stage. The program begins and the story of Jesus death and resurrection plays out in front of us. It is breath taking...beautiful...sad… and glorious all in one breath. I am so moved by the Spirit, I cry tears of joy and my heart is bursting with love for my Father who has given up so much to give me eternal life.

This was the scene in the summer of 1989 when I attended the LCMS National Youth Gathering in Denver, Colorado. The theme was Blessed in the Journey and it was the first such journey that I had taken without my parents for more than an over night. Now, here I was, over 1000 miles away from them for 5 days. I was 17, about to enter my senior year of high school, and I thought I already knew it all. But there was so much I didn't know and this trip opened my eyes to the ways of the world and the ways of God.

I don't remember going to church on a regular basis before I started confirmation classes in 7th grade. Every Saturday morning for two years, I would sit with my Pastor and one or two other young ladies and we would study God's word. This was all new to me. I knew a few bible stories, but that was nothing compared to what I learned during those two years. They were indeed a blessing too.

I became more involved with the church and youth group after confirmation. I really enjoyed being with my new found friends. We were a very active youth group that spilled over into Sunday School. We had an excellent teacher who always seemed to challenge me to think outside of the box. I appreciated his teaching style and learned a lot about myself during those years too.

Many years later, I find myself wanting to find a way to reach out to others and share, but my guarded approach has not always been conducive to that. My nature is to be quiet yet inquisitive of others, keeping my personal life just out of their reach. When the fog of life settles upon me though, this is one of my greatest regrets. So one of my repeated prayers has been to find a way to reach out to a bigger community and share. I pray that this blog is just such the medium to accomplish that and I finally have the courage to try.

My journey has not always seemed like a blessing at the time, but I have learned that all things happen according to God's will and timing, not mine. I continue to learn and grow in God's word every day. I am amazed by His forgiving spirit and enduring love. There is still so much I do not know, so my journey continues with it's twists and turns of life.

Always anxious to see the next chapter, I pray you will journey with me, checking in and sharing your experiences and blessings, even if it doesn't seem like a blessing at the time.