Because

Dared to do something big in faith, Jesus has called me to share this.

 

As a child, and even now as an adult, the worst answer I ever received to a question is “because”.  “Because” is not an answer.  It’s just something that is said when we don’t want to answer or don’t know the answer.  One could even say it to initiate an argument.   There is no logic behind this non-answer and it usually makes no sense.  It’s just something that is said when we don’t really know what to say.

Does it ever feel like your prayers are answered with this response?  Especially, when they are not answered and you know it’s something that God is so very capable of doing.  So, why does He hold back?  Why doesn’t He give us answers?  What have we done to deserve this lack of response?

I internalize everything, so naturally, a lack of response to me says, I’ve done it wrong and I need to try harder, pray harder, do something different because what I am doing, is not enough or even worse, it’s wrong.   I need to say it a different way.  I need to read the Bible more.  I need to go to church more.  You get the point.

Since I am not one to settle for “because”, I search for the answer.  Unfortunately, I look in the wrong places.  The answer is not anything I can give; it is only something that God can give.  The answer is not in me, it’s in God.    I am a shell without Him and I can do nothing on my own, so why do I think I can figure something out that only God knows?  Well, I guess I gave the answer in the question itself.  Only God knows why I think this way too!

Satan rather enjoys his time spent with me.  He flirts with my self esteem and tells me I am not good enough.  He manipulates my words so that they come out twisted and illogical and I have a hard time explaining.  He detunes my ears so that other’s words sounds more harsh than they are.  He zaps all of my energy so there is none to spare for family, or prayers or even God.

But even as much fun as Satan gets to have, he doesn’t get me.  I am not going to give up on God because He didn’t give up on me, and I have given him many reasons to do just that.  At my baptism, He promised to be with me always and God doesn’t break promises.  He is faithful and that gives me hope.

Sometimes prayers just aren’t answered in the way we want them answered.  There’s a bigger picture that we are not privy to just yet and until it’s all unfolded, we have to pray for patience and endurance to weather the storm.  We have to trust God and allow His will to be sufficient for us, even and including when His will is in direct conflict with our own.   And that my friends, is so very hard.

I have heard, that the ones who give the most encouragement, do so, because they too need encouraging. ..

So it seems I am here again, steeped in depression; surrounded by a darkness that chills my soul; unable to put into words the depths of sadness that tears at my heart.   I have struggled for quite a while with depression and I tell my friends and family that I am ok because I don’t want them to worry and I feel I have spared them by doing this.  But I don’t really think I am fooling anyone.  I pray relentlessly to get out of this pit that has darkened my spirit and yet relief is just out of my reach.  My soul aches for relief.  I know it can be given, but why am I not spared?  Are my sins any worse than others?  Why do some get relief and others do not?  What have I done?   Why am I being punished?  Why must I continue to suffer?

 And the timing of it all is so annoying.  This should be a time of celebration of the birth of our Savior, and I can do nothing but feel sadness.  I cannot get over myself and I feel selfish, agitated and angry.

But there is hope and there is grace and I can bathe in these things until relief is found.  Grace covers those bad feelings and questions that I throw at God accusing Him of not loving me enough.  He does love me enough.  He loves more than I could ever qualify.  He gave His son’s life for mine!  How could I ever question that?  And, I always have hope for relief of this burden because it will not always be this way.  One day, there will be no sadness or pain and I will not even remember these feelings.

 Until then, I will continue to pray.  Lord, please break up this darkness so that I may see the light again.  Pour out you love on me so that I may feel your grace.  Fill me with the Holy Spirit and guide me toward the truth.  Place those in my life that will encourage and counsel me back to You and Your light.  Help me to accept your will Lord.  Fill me with peace.

 

No situation is more hopeless than your Savior is graceful.  Ann Voskamp

 

Psalm 130

¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
²     Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
    to my cry for mercy.

³ If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
    Lord, who could stand?
⁴ But with you there is forgiveness,
    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

⁵ I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in his word I put my hope.
⁶ I wait for the Lord
    more than watchmen wait for the morning,
    more than watchmen wait for the morning.

⁷ Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
    for with the Lord is unfailing love
    and with him is full redemption.
⁸ He himself will redeem Israel
    from all their sins.

Do not be silent, pray

Rest in Him when you are weak and weary

Call to Him when you need grace.

Find Him in the day so dreary

You are barely able to keep the pace.

He is there, listening and waiting

Ears wide open, His heart is full.

His arms extended, anticipating

The hearts desires that push and pull

Tell Him your heart song and your worry

Then leave it with Him, He has a plan.

No need to fret or panic in fury

Just rest, receive and listen, little lamb.

Your shepherd is near and hears your pleas

Do not be silent, and do not give in. 

Whether you sit or stand or fall to your knees

Allow His forgiveness to overpower sin.

  

 photo courtesy of http://www.brightok.net

You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.  Psalm 10:17


I have many friends struggling with something today.  My heart aches for them and I pray they find peace soon, but until then, I pray with them and for them sending them warm thoughts and hugs.

The Oak Tree

 I can see and feel it coming.  The trees are void of their brightly colored fruit and the grass is littered with pieces and fragments of what once lived generously in the trees.  The daylight hours are quickly decreasing and a raw chill fills the air.  The animals are no longer frolicking and singing in the wilderness.  Instead, they are hurriedly foraging and storing up food for the coming winter.  Men dressed like their surroundings take to the woods and lurk for unsuspecting deer. 

The large oak tree that sits alongside the road is currently barren of green life.  Its branches still reach high into the sky yet somewhat lopsided due to the nearby power lines.  Many a small creature has taken refuge here in its neck and arms.  Its long standing is proven by the enormity of its trunk as I stand close and attempt to embrace it.  The bark is rough alongside my cheek and my arms are full yet not long enough for my outstretched fingers to interlock.

I am in awe of such a gift.  It has indeed weathered many storms and many seasons.  Seasons of drought and attrition; seasons of bitter cold and unbearable heat; insect attacks and suffocating exhaust fumes; but the old tree stands tall and proud.  Every wind storm seems to break a few of the weaker limbs, but the tree is still strong.  Every spring it sprouts new life and green leaves even more generous than the previous year, giving more color every fall to the view outside of my windows.

My own exterior is not as tolerant of such seasons of life, nor is my heart.  God has blessed me with strong emotions that tend to surface often.  I am easily wounded and tend to suffer in silence not willing to expose the rawness of the fresh tear on my soul.  Anxiety and fear drive me to pray frequently but my own stubbornness and pride will not allow me to share with others.  I want to spare others of my hurts and sins and not burden them.  I would rather help someone else with their burdens and pray for them. 

But God doesn’t want us to be alone.  He wants us to have a community to share with, which is why He created Eve for Adam.  And that means we need to share all things, not just the easy things, not just the surface topics.   So it is here, that I will share with you, my heart.   I genuinely want to help others and pray for them.  This is how God made me and I am grateful for this.  I also want to be able to be helped and to ask for help.  To know that it’s ok to open my heart to someone and believe that it won’t be betrayed.    This has not always been easy for me, but I have to start somewhere and why not here, in this place, where my heart is open, and I speak in truth?

Like the mighty oak tree outside my window, God is strong, patient, and providing.   He is the constant that I can go to with all things and He WANTS me to.  In this season of my life, I am praying for many things, but mostly for patience.  I know He has a plan for me, but I really want to know what it is and I am not very patient.   What are you praying for?

 

 

 

Lord,

May I be slow to anger and filled with love.  I need help with patience and I cannot do it on my own.  Please fill my heart with patience that I may wait for Your will to be done.  Please fill my heart with understanding that I know how my words and actions affect others.  Help me to follow the example you have set before me.  Amen

 

 

 

 

Being still

Be still and know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10

I used to think that stillness was the hardest part of this verse.  But now, I think that knowing who God really is, is more difficult than being still.  That may sound off, but bear with me and let me explain.

God is God.  Who else could be so full of love and compassion?  Who else could send his only child, only son, to a death so cruel in order to save the world?  And not just the world THEN, but the world to come!  A world that is so full of sin, wretchedness and filth.  A world of people not even born yet?!  Such a person does not exist, so it can only be God!

No one could ever love as much, forgive as much, surrender as much, have as much mercy, as God.  His love is so real, so powerful that He can lift a life from death.  Love so clean and pure that it bathed me in water that washed away my sin; my sin of yesterday, today and tomorrow. Love so amazing that it lifts my soul from the pits of Hell.  Love as rich as blood and flesh that continues to bring us to the cross and forgives what is unforgivable. It could only BE God. 

He is God of mercy and strength in our weakest, lowest hours.  Mercy that is so unlimited, it is divine.  It is real and it is love.  Mercy that empowers us to love Him in return.  Who else can continue to love someone, forgive someone, so completely and fully that each time we ask, we are forgiven and washed clean again in love and restored to that white as snow state, only left to my own devices to return to dirt and filth?

That’s why I need God.  Always, I need Him.  I cannot function on my own.  I have no strength or love or ability without Him.  I can do nothing without Him.  He gives me everything and I cannot BE without Him.  And yet, time and again, I push Him away.  Looking for the answer, looking for hope, looking for reasons - why something is as it is.  I think I know and I can solve it, look for it, fix it own my own and I cannot.  I simply CANNOT. 

He sends the Holy Spirit to me, even when I don’t ask and guides me to the answer.  The answer is God.  Give it to Him in thought and prayer.  Give Him the prayer, let him solve it.  Let Him deliver the answer.  Let Him be my strength, but let Him do the work.  Just be still and listen.  Listen to the One with the answer.

Why is it more difficult for me to give everything back to Him, when He gave me everything?  For me, it is because I feel unworthy to bask in this glory of God.  I have allowed Satan to fill my head with lies that I can do it on my own, that I am not enough for God, that God only serves those who serve Him best, that I don’t deserve this.  But when I read His word, I know those are untruths.  I know that God loves ME, that I am who He wants me to be, He has a plan for me and will do all things for my good.  God does not know how to be mean.  God is good and merciful and just and He WANTS me to come to Him in ALL things.

It’s easier to be still now, to sit in His glory and just talk to God about what’s on my mind and in my heart.  Because of my humanness, however, I have trouble being still for the answer.  But I can sit on my swing, in the sun, face tilted toward heaven and feel His warmth and compassion and give Him my heart.  Give Him my love.  Give it to God, the one who knows all.  Loves all.  Is all.  Now and forever.   Amen

 I invite you to do the same.  Be still, and know He is God.  

How do you spend time with God?  How does God continue to amaze you?  Please share your experiences with me in the comments below.

The fog that surrounds us

The page before me is blinding.  It’s blank… empty; void of color, of life and emotion.  And yet, it lies before me, waiting for inspiration, feeling and depth.   On most days, such a temptation would be short lived.  I would have a million ideas of how to fill it and my fingers would be furiously reacting to it.  But lately, it remains blank and the ideas are fleeting.  But not because I lack emotion, in fact, it’s the exact opposite.  My emotions have over taken me.  The enormity of them, have left me breathless, burdened and exhausted.

Depression falls over me when I least expect it, like a fog blankets the earth in the cool air of the morning.  It sets low and heavy and with overwhelming density while just around the corner it hovers above the ground with translucent waves of white.   Sometimes depression is just like this fog and it becomes difficult to navigate life because I don’t how to anticipate valleys and peaks. 

Opening my eyes to depression does not mean that I accept it.  It doesn’t mean that I am weaker than others who do not succumb to it.  It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me that  
the daily toils of life weigh me down.   And it doesn’t mean that I cannot handle emotions well because I allow the sadness to escape through tears on my cheek or through angry words directed at passersby.

Depression is a signal to me that it is time to rest; a time to give up the try hard life of perceived perfection and getting it all done.    I am tired, so tired of trying to do it all my way and relentlessly failing while pretending that I have it all under control.   I need to open my heart fully and completely to God and allow His will to be, instead of stubbornly insisting that my own way is better.  My efforts are futile against His.   It is time to surrender and just receive.  Receive love and forgiveness for my weary soul.  I ask for help and He loves me more.  This is the beauty of the lifted fog springing forth and exposing my Savior rising high above me, arms outstretched, emanating love.

When I am depressed, I pray for mercy like a beggar in the street; my empty hands waiting for a morsel of relief.  Sitting heavy in the word and meditating on Him transforms me.  My strength comes from Him.   His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness 2 Corinthians 12:9. 

And I am weak, so weak, and yet He loves me.  He wants me to come to him daily with all that I seek, all that I dream and all that I worry about.  He wants to be the bread that I hunger for and He is.  I just need the fog to clear from my head and remember His love and His promises and give him all of my anxieties. 

Lord, have mercy on me – a poor sinful being.

 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you now that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

 

 

 

 

How do you deal with depression?  What's it like for you?  Do you find it difficult to ask for help?  What's your go-to strategy - food, sleep, exercise, friends?   Share your experiences with me and lets develop a community to lean on when we feel our weakest.

The city

I am a small town, country girl.  I love being outside, sitting on my porch swing or walking in the fresh air, enjoying nature.  It is here that I can find quiet and simplicity.  It's where I can sort out the difficult things and reflect on my journey.

A recent trip to New York made me realize just how much I love those things.  While I did a fair share of walking outdoors, it wasn't really quiet. At a minimum, it wasn't the kind of noise that I am familiar with.  There were no birds singing, frogs croaking or crickets chirping.  Instead, there was a constant stream of cars, trucks and busses humming in the background of honking horns, jackhammers, and sirens.  Construction work littered every block it seemed.  Solicitors flooded the sidewalks distributing pamphlets touting the city's tourism.  Pedestrians walked furiously amongst the vehicles to the safety of the sidewalks. 

 

The landscape was also quite different than what I am used to.  Sure, there were small parks fit between buildings here and there, however, most everything was steel or concrete or limestone.  Row upon row of large skyscrapers rose high above the city.  Bright yellow taxis buzzed quickly down the city streets, barely halting for red lights and stopping busses.  An underground network of subways funneled people about the city.  And of course, there were trains, boats and ships fluid in their movement of goods as well as people.  Large stacks of train cars slept near loading docs along the piers of the Hudson River.  Some of them were adorned with graffiti, while others escaped the senseless tagging momentarily.

 

Let's not forget the people.  They were every shape, size, color and ethnicity but they all had one thing in common; their expressions.  Hard.  Brisk.  They were not cheerily taking in the moments and smiling, acknowledging their neighbors.  They were instead, hurriedly walking, stoic in gesture and tuned into their music supplied by their devices, blocking out the noise of the city.  It became obvious that time was essential and even the noise would slow them down.

 

The last day of our trip, we went to the 9/11 memorial.  It was cool and the sky was bright blue with puffy white clouds.  We stood amongst all of the people, waiting for the line to move forward.  There was an older couple behind us.  The wife was in a wheel chair and the husband was careful to help her get to her destination.  It was here, that I heard him say something so simple and yet, so profound.  He was chatting with her about the multitude of people and I heard him say, "You know what is amazing?  God loves all of these people.  All of them.  He does.  He really does.  Isn't that amazing?"

 

It IS amazing!  Here in THIS crowded city, filled with people who were scarred from hate, God is present.  God is abounding in love and continues to find ways to show us.  From the ashes, He has made it possible for people to remember and celebrate life in this beautiful memorial garden.  It is peaceful here.  The rush of the water falling over the walls into the footprints of the buildings, drowns out the noise of the surrounding city.  The mist slowly rises above the reflection pool; mixing with tears of sorrow that flow gently from those who remember and wait to be reunited with their loved ones. 

 

Trees and green grass surround the pools and serve as reminders that life is present in this place.  Growth is possible again.  Beauty can come from tragedy. 

 

Eternal life with our Savior in heaven will be ours one day.  Until then, we can rest assured that God loves us and waits for us to join Him.

 

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whomever believes in Him, should not perish, but have eternal life.   John 3:16

     

How does God continue to amaze you?  Please share your thoughts in the comments.
      

That mom

Yes, I am that mom.  The mom who holds up the car line on the second day of school because my youngest is having a meltdown.  The mom who sends her weeping daughter into school to face the day without me.  The mom who escapes before her own meltdown.    The same mom who carries the guilt all day for leaving my baby that way.

 

Yes, I am that mom.  The mom who gets frustrated because book bags and dirty socks litter the living room.  “IF you don’t pick up this stuff now, I am throwing it all away!!”  The mom whose exasperation is ridiculous.  “Why does it take 20 minutes to eat a pop tart?!??”  The mom whose schedule seems to be important to only her.  “Hurry up, I am going to be late!”  The mom who wants to grow strong women who question things that don’t make sense. “Don’t argue with me, just do what I say!”

 

Yes, I am that mom.  The mom who loves to snuggle with arms and legs intertwined.  The same mom who needs the children to “just go outside for a bit while I breathe”.   The mom who likes to have little girl help with dinner.  The same mom who would rather do it herself so that it is done quickly and with less mess.   The mom who loves the thought of going shopping but actually dreads the act of dragging them from store to store while they argue over who got more.

 

Yes, I am that mom.  The mom who encourages them to take their cares to Jesus.  The same mom who wants to know what those cares are so that I can “fix them”.  The mom who sends them to a Christian school to learn about their Savior.  The same mom who wants to be the one to save them from all bad and hurtful things.  The mom who teaches them how to pray.  The same mom who has daily struggles with the same thing.

 

Whatever mom I am, I am their mom.  God put us together for a reason and we fit perfectly.  I trust that God is growing me into the mom I need to be for these beautiful creatures and that the timing is right for all things according to His will.  I don’t always agree with His timing, but that’s just my own growing that needs to occur and my sinful nature getting in the way. 

 

I am blessed to be called their momma and there is absolutely no contradiction there!

 

 

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

 

 

 

Do you have the same contradictions in your home?  Please share them below in the comments.  I would love to hear from you!