My journey lately, or the last 3 years anyway, has been full
of ups and downs. The last time I wrote
was in October of 2014 to say goodbye to my Granny. That was tough, but I knew her suffering was
over and her new journey in heaven had begun.
I was happy for her but sad for all those she left behind.
Recently I have had a lot of dreams about her. Dreams that have me preparing for her to come
back because she is only away for a short time and everything needs to be in
order. I can’t make a mess in her
kitchen or move things around because I know she will be annoyed. I never actually see her in my dreams, but I
know she is coming back.
I don’t know that I put a lot of stock into interpreting
dreams, but this one has me puzzled. A
friend suggested that she is telling me it’s time to start writing again. That she wants me to prepare myself to write
again and that I am not getting ready for my Granny to return, but I am getting
ready for my writing brain to return.
And ironically, I find myself in front of the computer screen
writing. It’s not as difficult as I had
imagined it would be.
I may not be as fluent or as spiritual as I once was. A lot has happened though.
My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer in October
2015. A year after Granny passed. My sister had just turned the magical age
when mammograms start. It was her first
one. Ever. I had already had 3 and my first one was
traumatic , but I warned her. She knew
the chances of being called back were good.
And they did call back. But her
results were different than mine. She
had a small cluster of cells that needed to be further analyzed.
It was cancer. It was
hard to understand. It was an invasion
into our family. It was an invasion into
her body. About six weeks later she had
surgery to remove the cells and after the new year, she started radiation. I went with her to her appointment to explain
what would happen. There were a lot of
details and things to consider and decisions.
It was a bit overwhelming. But we
sat there and listened and nodded and asked a few questions still numb from the
information overload. It was a good
thing that I recorded it so she could play it back and listen again.
When treatments started, I went with her. She was a trooper, a fighter, determined to
kick cancer in the butt. As they
progressed and her body wore down, so did her spirit. We would talk and they were not always
pleasant conversations, but I was there and I listened and comforted, or tried
to comfort the best I could.
Finally, the treatments were done, and she was done. Not irreparably broken, but definitely
broken. She put on the good face though and
trudged through the days for a while.
She was tired and her body hurt.
Her heart hurt. Not one time did I ever hear her question God. Maybe she had those conversations alone, but
she always welcomed prayers and looked for spiritual healing as well.
That same October, a very good friend of mine was called to
live in another state to do the Lord’s work there. She had led me to devotions and books and a
yearning for more. We had many
discussions regarding books and life and kids in groups and just between
us. She encouraged me to write and learn
and I love her for that.
I still miss our walks and talks. I miss her head cocked smile with concern in
her eyes and her hugs. But she is still
just a phone call or email away. It’s
not the same, but what is the same is that she showed me that it’s ok to be
weak and loved. She showed me God’s
mercy and love in ways that I never thought possible. She helped to open my eyes to many
possibilities.
When I write this next part, it’s important to understand
that I do not blame any of these things on my current relationship with the
Lord. For I know that when I pray the
Lord’s prayer, I ask for “Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.” I
believe those words, even when it’s hard.
I know that it is important to put in the time with any
relationship and it takes work and commitment.
I have to tend to it and nurture
it like a garden. My current garden is
full of weeds that I planted. I put
space between me and devotions. I chose
other things over reading the bible. I
neglected my prayers and I didn’t make room for Jesus.
But He still made room for me. He still loves me and wants me to bring all
of my sorrows and joys, tears and smiles to Him. His mercy overshadows all that I did or didn’t
do the last few years. His grace is
sufficient for me! And those are all
great reminders to pray to Him, talk to Him and let Him IN!
So I sit here today, with open arms and a full heart,
waiting for God’s unending love to surround me and fill me with peace. I will go to Him. I need Him.
And it’s ok that I have been weak and felt undeserving. I have been cleansed by the Spirit in my
baptism and I am a forgiven child of God each and every time I ask. He is my rock and my salvation.
Dear Lord, please forgive me for my unbelief. Help me to come to you with all things. Open my heart to you and pour out your Holy
Spirit on me, a poor, miserable sinner.
Amen
What does your journey look like? How have you managed your relationship with God?
