Goodbye for now...

 

I have to say goodbye this week to my Granny.  It’s a very hard thing to do.  The words will not come, but the tears and emotions flow easily.  The memories of our times spent together are overflowing my senses.  Sometimes they comfort me and other times, I just curl up into a ball and let them all out on my pillow.  But whatever the emotion, I know in my heart that Granny is happy now.  She is with Jesus and Grandpa.

 

Some of my favorite memories

My Granny was a very proud Southern Lady.  She used to get after us as little girls for not wearing stockings to church because young ladies shouldn’t have bare legs.   

 

She always dressed for the occasion, complete with earrings and lipstick.  When I was younger, it was a bright pink lipstick that left a smudge on my cheek that I would quickly wipe away.  Now I would love to have that pink stain my cheek.

 

She made the best chocolate chip cookies in the world, but you couldn’t pin down her recipe, because it was always a pinch of this and a little of that.  She hasn’t made them in a while, but my mouth waters just thinking about them. 

 

When I was fairly young, she kept a candy dish on the TV in the living room, generally with the Brach’s flavored candies.  I would sneak one or two when I came in to use the rest room, which was often, because she had the best sweet tea, that we drank from Dixie cups!

 

Her character 

She will be missed but I am so glad that her sadness has ended.  I am blessed that she had a relationship with God and passed it down to her children and grandchildren so that I could grow up in a Christian home.  This is definitely the most precious gift she has ever given to me.  I can remember sitting in church on Sunday’s either directly in front of or right behind her and trying to act my very best.  Granny always thought that my sister and I were so polite and nice.  I didn’t want to disappoint her, even if I thought (knew) otherwise.

 

I think she has passed down some other things to me too.  Like her temperament; she was fairly reserved until she was mad, then you didn’t know what she was going to say.  She was stubborn but hated making decisions.   At the same time, she was kind and very polite, a sweet contradiction to her stubbornness and irritation.   But most of all, she loved children and they loved her.  And I can honestly say those same things about myself.

 

Some truths

Something that I cannot say about her, but I do know about myself, is that I am a crier.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and to see someone upset or distressed about losing a loved one will bring me quicker to tears than sneezing at pepper!  I cannot help it.  I know the Lord promised to be with us always, even unto death, but I will cry every time.  I know that we will be reunited in Heaven where He is preparing room for us, but right now, my Dad’s heart hurts, and I cannot stand it.  This is the first opportunity he has had to breathe in a while, and it’s painful without her.  Even though Granny is resting now, it’s also my Dad’s turn to rest and trust in the Lord that His will is being done.  It is Granny’s time to be with the Lord, no matter how much we are not ready to let her go.   We know these truths.  And yet, I cry.  Big sloppy, snotty crocodile tears.  And while it may not be lady like, it’s what I do.

 

Because of my relationship with the Lord, I know that death is only temporary, and someday, I will be reunited with Granny in heaven.   Until then, I will continue to praise the Lord for the gifts in my life, including my loved ones past and present, who journey with me along the way.  I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide and uphold us this week, so that we will continue to seek His truths and to rest and trust in Him.  He is our light and our salvation forever and ever.  Amen

 

 

 

 

To my Beautiful Pre-Teen Daughter

I see you.  And when I look at you, I see myself.  I see the same emotions clouding your thoughts.  I see the same reactions to life.  I see the same desires to do more, better, higher, faster.  I see kindness, love, faith, grace and Jesus' love.

 I see you.  I see you for who you are and who you want to be.  I see you grasping and reaching; gaining strength and knowledge, expanding your love for the Lord.  I see you maturing before my very eyes.  But young lady, don't be in too big of a hurry to grow up because time won't stop when you want it to.

 I see you.  Growing before my eyes.  I see the beautiful woman you will be, inside and out.  I see the lovely young lady you already are.  I see you and I love you.

 My dearest daughter, I see you.  I see all that lies before you.  The traps, the lies, the hurt.  The beauty, the truth, the joy.  It’s there.  All of it.  And I want you to experience all of it because it will define you and mold you and make you into the  person that God intends you to be.  The mother in me wants to keep all the bad and ugly away, but I know it will find you anyway.  And I know you can rise to the occasion and find your strength through God and fight through it with Him.

It’s ok to cry, to be upset, to be angry.  It’s equally ok to laugh, to feel joy and be happy.  Don’t allow others to give you permission to feel one way or another.  Think for yourself and express your opinions.  But that does not give you permission to be rude and bossy!  Good manners are always in style.

You are a fighter.  I can see that already in our power struggles.  You want to be right.  You need it.  You have a plan and everything needs to come together.  Perfection is divine.  But lovely daughter, there is only One who is perfect and though you were made in His likeness, it is not you.  Plan for excellence but expect less than perfect.  Don’t let the fallout define you.  Deal with the emotions, don’t suppress them.  Don’t let them rule you.  I speak from experience here.  Not just as your mother.

In our struggles of mother and daughter, always remember that I am the mom.  God has grown me into who I am just so that I can BE your mother.  He’s not done with either of us yet.  There will be ups and downs along the way, but sweet daughter, I pray more ups than downs.  I also pray that He will give me clarity, patience and knowledge of how best to nurture you as one of His children and one of mine.

Lord,
Please continue to bless this sweet daughter of mine with your eternal presence.  Fill her with knowledge, patience and peace in this ever changing world.  Grow us together in love and continue to blossom our relationship.  Open our eyes and our hearts and show us your way, your plan and your love and help us to accept it if it is not our own.  And Lord, please limit those power struggles between us, instead, help us to find words to communicate and express our concerns with each other and the world.  In your name I pray.  Amen

 

 

Alone

The other morning was beautiful.  Not the typical, blue sky, fluffy white clouds, bright sunshine kind of beauty.  But the slow, easy kind of beautiful.  The cool air was hanging heavy on the ground and the sun struggled to shine through it.  The dew was thick on the plants and they were slowly waking up too.   It was the best kind of morning to spend on my porch swing with a blanket on my lap and coffee in hand.  

The heaviness of the dew dragging the leaves down reminds me of how easily I allow Satan to bring me down and fall into his traps.  Life is hard and Satan tricks me into thinking it is TOO hard.  But it really isn’t.  God is here.  In this space, in my life, in my heart.  His strength is my strength.  His love is my love.  His spirit is my hope. His grace is sufficient.

I am never alone.  I have the Holy Spirit; gifted to me in my baptism.  I have the Shepherd  watching over me; tenderly and purposefully guiding my path.  I have the Word to look upon and soak into my soul every time I need it.

I have all these resources at my fingertips and in my heart, and yet sometimes, I feel completely alone. I can be surrounded by people and yet still feel like no one cares; like no one even notices me.  A wallflower, wilting in plain sight.

I understand that part of this is my own fault, but it doesn’t lessen the pain.  I have a quiet disposition and small talk is quite difficult.  It’s also very difficult for me to allow others in to my heart.  Wounded from past iniquities, I guard myself at a very high cost.   The cost of friendship and the vulnerability to be loved.

Vulnerability is my ultimate nemesis.  To allow someone to get close to me and let my guard down feels dangerous.  Not the exciting kind of dangerous that rushes throughout your body; but the paralyzing dangerous that precedes fear and hurt.  I realize how pessimistic and negative that sounds, and it's important to me that you also know that's not how I normally think.  However, I have been scorched by vulnerability, scalded by naivety and wounded by the truth too many times for not recognizing what it is.  What it was.  Staring me right in the eyes.

I have come to realize, that is one of Satan’s favorite traps for me.  He blinds me with feelings of pity and loneliness.  He deafens me with taunts of inadequacy.   He tempts me with false accusations and lies and I fall for them because it justifies my feelings.  The truth is loud and before me.  I have pushed away my peers and ....

I have to STOP!

I have to go back to the Word and remember the truth.  The real, unshakable truth.  I am not alone. God is with me and for me and has chosen me.  He chose this life for me and sends His Holy spirit daily to guide me along it's path.  And He has put some very special people in life with whom I am able to share life's ups and downs.  I am so grateful for them and for the God who loves me so.

Lord, thank you for your strength so that I might open my heart and share my feelings with others.   Help me to easily discern the dangers from the blessings.  Allow me to see your truth and know that I am not alone.  Amen

Psalm 71 English Standard Version (ESV)

Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Spent

71 In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
    let me never be put to shame!
2 In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
    incline your ear to me, and save me!
3 Be to me a rock of refuge,
    to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.

4 Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man.
5 For you, O Lord, are my hope,
    my trust, O Lord, from my youth.
6 Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;
    you are he who took me from my mother's womb.
My praise is continually of you.

7 I have been as a portent to many,
    but you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
    and with your glory all the day.
9 Do not cast me off in the time of old age;
    forsake me not when my strength is spent.
10 For my enemies speak concerning me;
    those who watch for my life consult together
11 and say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue and seize him,
    for there is none to deliver him.”

12 O God, be not far from me;
    O my God, make haste to help me!
13 May my accusers be put to shame and consumed;
    with scorn and disgrace may they be covered
    who seek my hurt.
14 But I will hope continually
    and will praise you yet more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,
    of your deeds of salvation all the day,
    for their number is past my knowledge.
16 With the mighty deeds of the Lord God I will come;
    I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone.

17 O God, from my youth you have taught me,
    and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
18 So even to old age and gray hairs,
    O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
    your power to all those to come.
19 Your righteousness, O God,
    reaches the high heavens.
You who have done great things,
    O God, who is like you?
20 You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
    will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will bring me up again.
21 You will increase my greatness
    and comfort me again.

22 I will also praise you with the harp
    for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praises to you with the lyre,
    O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy,
    when I sing praises to you;
    my soul also, which you have redeemed.
24 And my tongue will talk of your righteous help all the day long,
for they have been put to shame and disappointed
    who sought to do me hurt.