Alone

The other morning was beautiful.  Not the typical, blue sky, fluffy white clouds, bright sunshine kind of beauty.  But the slow, easy kind of beautiful.  The cool air was hanging heavy on the ground and the sun struggled to shine through it.  The dew was thick on the plants and they were slowly waking up too.   It was the best kind of morning to spend on my porch swing with a blanket on my lap and coffee in hand.  

The heaviness of the dew dragging the leaves down reminds me of how easily I allow Satan to bring me down and fall into his traps.  Life is hard and Satan tricks me into thinking it is TOO hard.  But it really isn’t.  God is here.  In this space, in my life, in my heart.  His strength is my strength.  His love is my love.  His spirit is my hope. His grace is sufficient.

I am never alone.  I have the Holy Spirit; gifted to me in my baptism.  I have the Shepherd  watching over me; tenderly and purposefully guiding my path.  I have the Word to look upon and soak into my soul every time I need it.

I have all these resources at my fingertips and in my heart, and yet sometimes, I feel completely alone. I can be surrounded by people and yet still feel like no one cares; like no one even notices me.  A wallflower, wilting in plain sight.

I understand that part of this is my own fault, but it doesn’t lessen the pain.  I have a quiet disposition and small talk is quite difficult.  It’s also very difficult for me to allow others in to my heart.  Wounded from past iniquities, I guard myself at a very high cost.   The cost of friendship and the vulnerability to be loved.

Vulnerability is my ultimate nemesis.  To allow someone to get close to me and let my guard down feels dangerous.  Not the exciting kind of dangerous that rushes throughout your body; but the paralyzing dangerous that precedes fear and hurt.  I realize how pessimistic and negative that sounds, and it's important to me that you also know that's not how I normally think.  However, I have been scorched by vulnerability, scalded by naivety and wounded by the truth too many times for not recognizing what it is.  What it was.  Staring me right in the eyes.

I have come to realize, that is one of Satan’s favorite traps for me.  He blinds me with feelings of pity and loneliness.  He deafens me with taunts of inadequacy.   He tempts me with false accusations and lies and I fall for them because it justifies my feelings.  The truth is loud and before me.  I have pushed away my peers and ....

I have to STOP!

I have to go back to the Word and remember the truth.  The real, unshakable truth.  I am not alone. God is with me and for me and has chosen me.  He chose this life for me and sends His Holy spirit daily to guide me along it's path.  And He has put some very special people in life with whom I am able to share life's ups and downs.  I am so grateful for them and for the God who loves me so.

Lord, thank you for your strength so that I might open my heart and share my feelings with others.   Help me to easily discern the dangers from the blessings.  Allow me to see your truth and know that I am not alone.  Amen

Psalm 71 English Standard Version (ESV)

Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Spent

71 In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
    let me never be put to shame!
2 In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
    incline your ear to me, and save me!
3 Be to me a rock of refuge,
    to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.

4 Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man.
5 For you, O Lord, are my hope,
    my trust, O Lord, from my youth.
6 Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;
    you are he who took me from my mother's womb.
My praise is continually of you.

7 I have been as a portent to many,
    but you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
    and with your glory all the day.
9 Do not cast me off in the time of old age;
    forsake me not when my strength is spent.
10 For my enemies speak concerning me;
    those who watch for my life consult together
11 and say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue and seize him,
    for there is none to deliver him.”

12 O God, be not far from me;
    O my God, make haste to help me!
13 May my accusers be put to shame and consumed;
    with scorn and disgrace may they be covered
    who seek my hurt.
14 But I will hope continually
    and will praise you yet more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,
    of your deeds of salvation all the day,
    for their number is past my knowledge.
16 With the mighty deeds of the Lord God I will come;
    I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone.

17 O God, from my youth you have taught me,
    and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
18 So even to old age and gray hairs,
    O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
    your power to all those to come.
19 Your righteousness, O God,
    reaches the high heavens.
You who have done great things,
    O God, who is like you?
20 You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
    will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will bring me up again.
21 You will increase my greatness
    and comfort me again.

22 I will also praise you with the harp
    for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praises to you with the lyre,
    O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy,
    when I sing praises to you;
    my soul also, which you have redeemed.
24 And my tongue will talk of your righteous help all the day long,
for they have been put to shame and disappointed
    who sought to do me hurt.